


Our Solo Bond

by immortalpramheda



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi (2017), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Canon Universe, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-29
Updated: 2018-01-29
Packaged: 2019-02-23 11:37:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 13,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13189278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/immortalpramheda/pseuds/immortalpramheda
Summary: The bond is strong with these two.





	1. Ben I

I see her. She’s lying on her side, her body curled up and legs tucked up under her arms. Her eyes are closed and her chest rises in light even breaths.

 

She is so at peace. I reach out my hand and hesitate. I want to touch her but I know that I shouldn’t.

 

I like to watch her sleep. To watch her when she doesn’t know she’s being watched. Not in a creepy way, but if she were awake she’d be yelling at me and I wouldn't be able to appreciate her beauty. Usually I watch her and count her breaths until I fall back asleep. But tonight I have an overwhelming urge to touch her.

 

I lightly run my hand down her cheek, brushing a strand of hair out of her eyes.

 

Her eyes fly open and she jolts up. She stands in a defensive pose with her arms out in front of her. She no longer looks peaceful, she looks ready for a fight.

 

“Rey,” I say softly, not taking my eyes off her.

 

“Why are you here?” she demands. “Why were you watching me sleep?” She almost spits the words out.

 

“I can’t control when we see each other,” I say, pushing myself upright.

 

“You must have been thinking about me...” she stutters, taking a step back. Her eyes dart down and I know that she’s staring at my bare chest.

 

“I wasn’t...” I say, but I know the moment the words leave my mouth that it’s a lie.

 

She squeezes her eyes shut and turns her head away. The last time she saw me shirtless she asked me to put something on. It obviously makes her uncomfortable. I drop the sheet even further down, exposing more of my chest.

 

When she notices she crosses her arms defiantly and turns away. I grin, relishing in the knowledge that I have made her uncomfortable.

 

She turns back towards me. “Can you leave?” she asks with a firm tone in her voice. “I need to get some sleep and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t watch me.”

 

I raise my eyebrows at her. “I’m sorry but I can’t control when I leave. I guess you’re stuck with me.”

 

I look her up and down. She’s wearing baggy three quarter pants and a long singlet. Her shoulders are exposed.

 

She glances back at me, her face looking a bit more confident now. “Well can you at least turn the other way and not watch me?”

 

I give a small grin but don’t move an inch. I just keep staring at her. The Force bond that we share makes the edge of her look like it's shining. Like she’s in a vignette frame. I can see pieces of her surroundings. Sometimes it’s weaker, sometimes it’s stronger. Maybe it depends on our awareness. She was very alert when I saw my uncle come into frame, when she was on an island somewhere in the galaxy.

 

After I don't reply she warily slips back into her bed. She’s so close to me that I can feel her breath. “Goodnight,” she says sternly. She lies on her other side, facing away from me, and curls up into a ball.

 

I stay sitting up and watch her. Eventually her breaths start to calm down and even out. I lie back down and reach my hand out. As my fingers are an inch away from her hair, I decide to pull them back. I’ve disturbed her enough for one night.

 

I count her breaths and began to feel weary, all the while thinking about her standing there with her arms crossed. She’s so stubborn. So strong.

 

“Rey,” I whisper inaudibly into the darkness as I drift off to sleep.


	2. Rey I

I sit in the eating area of the Resistance camp with my uneaten breakfast in front of me. My thoughts are distracted. Was he dreaming about me? Does he watch me sleep often?

 

A chill goes through my body. Someone has been watching me sleep. Not just someone, _him_. I want to scrub myself clean of him. Of everything that comes along with him.

 

I pick up my spoon and take a bite of my food but find that I have no appetite. I get up and head outside into the fresh warm air. I kick the dirt, wishing I was kicking him. He was shirtless again last night. He always does that. He knows how uncomfortable it makes me yet he keeps doing it.

 

But a part of me wanted to reach out and run my hands down his chest. A shiver goes through my body, imagining touching him. Like that time in the hut when we touched hands.

 

Suddenly he appears in front of me and I stop in my tracks.

 

“I beg your pardon Supreme Leader,” someone who I cannot see says. “But we don’t know where they are.”

 

“I’m working on it,” he says agitatedly. “There are barely any of them left, we’ll know their location soon…” He stops when his eyes meet mine.

 

There is silence as we stare at each other.

 

“Everybody leave,” he says. “Now.”

 

“But we only just started the meeting…” someone argues.

 

“I _am_ the Supreme Leader,” he says. “You do what I say.” His voice starts to rise. “Everybody out of this room, _NOW!_ ”

 

I hear scrambling feet and doors slamming shut, and then silence. We’re alone.

 

He turns around and starts pacing. “Now is not a good time,” he almost growls.

 

“I can’t control when we see each other,” I say, repeating what he said to me last night.

 

But that’s a lie. I have learnt to control it. I know that when I really concentrate and think about him, I can connect to him. I’ve learnt to control it for the most part. But sometimes I lose control of my thoughts and without meaning to I see him.

 

He turns back to face me. “I was in the middle of an important meeting.”

 

I cross my arms and look at him. “Maybe I wanted to listen in on it. Find out where you are so we can plan our next attack.”

 

“You and your tiny army on that pile of _junk_ you call a spaceship?” he says, giving a low laugh. “I’d _destroy_ you.” He walks towards me and I back up a little.

 

I know how he feels about the Millennium Falcon, the ship that belonged to his father. His father that he killed. I can see elements of his surroundings. It’s sometimes stronger than other times. I can see red and I know that he’s in the throne room. The place where we fought together.

 

I will never forget that moment. Snoke was torturing me and I was staring at him. I was trying to show him how scared I was. I tried to squeeze the light out of him. I could see that it was in there somewhere.

 

But I started feeling weaker and weaker. It felt like I was dying. I had no weapons, nothing to defend myself. He was just watching, not doing anything, which in some ways was worse than him killing me. He was watching me die. Letting me die.

 

He picked up his lightsaber and aimed it at me. It was my last chance to change his mind. “Ben,” I begged him, hoping that there was even a small chance that he would see that killing me would not do anyone any good. Then I heard the sound of a lightsaber behind me and I was dropped to the ground. I turned and there was my lightsaber, the lightsaber that originally belonged to Anakin Skywalker, through the middle of Snoke’s body. His body was cut in half and the top half toppled to the ground.

 

I used the Force to get my lightsaber back and I turned to face Ben, believing that he really had chosen the light side.

 

Together we fought off all the Praetorian guards. We were so in sync. We fought together on the same time. At one point we were back to back and I grabbed onto his thigh for support. I didn’t mean to, but we balanced off each other so well.

 

“Can you see where I am?” he asks, waking me from my thoughts. He glances around at his surroundings. “Yes, you remember this place. This is where I offered for you join me in ruling the galaxy, but you refused.”

 

“To join you in the First Order?” I say. “Which goes against everything I stand for.” I briefly thought about joining him. When he held his hand out I did consider taking it. Maybe if I did I could have shown him the light. But it seemed that I was wrong. Ben was too far gone.

 

“No, not as the First Order or the Resistance,” he says, spiting the word ‘Resistance’. “Our own new republic. We could rule however we wanted, you and I. I offered that to you and you declined.” He walks towards me, swinging his lightsaber around in his right hand.

 

I back away from him. He doesn’t seem mad, yet, and I don’t want to aggravate him. “Ben,” I say softly.

 

“Ben Solo is _dead_ ,” he says through gritted teeth.

 

Now I’ve made him mad, but I don’t care. I know he’s still in there. I _know_ he is. At least a part of him is. “No, he’s not. He’s standing right in front of me.”

 

He stops and shakes his head. “Why do you do this? You make me so…” he trails off, grunting. “My _name_ is Kylo Ren. Ben is _dead_ , you need to understand that.”

 

He knows how I feel and what I’ve been trying to do. I’ve felt the pull to the darkness but I’ve learnt to resist it. He’s obviously learnt to do the same, resist the pull to the other side. I know that there’s a chance, but he needs to do it on his own.

 

“You don’t have to go down this path,” I say, hoping that maybe this time he will change his mind.

 

He opens up his lightsaber, the red illuminating his face. “I’m glad he’s dead, that… that _man_ who tried to kill me in my sleep.”

 

“I know,” I say, trying to think of how to word this without aggravating him even more. “He did, but only for a moment and then it passed, but by then it was too late.”

 

He drops his lightsaber and his face changes. “That man saw a darkness in me and decided to end my life.” He starts walking towards me again. “I’m _glad_ he’s dead. I’m glad my father is dead. And my mother…” He pauses. “I should have killed her when I had the chance.”

 

“But you didn’t,” I say. “I know you’re conflicted Ben…”

 

“You know _NOTHING_ about me!” he roars, swinging his lightsaber up high.

 

I back up, suddenly afraid of him, even though I know he can’t hurt me because he’s not physically there. “You’re acting like a child.”

 

“And whose fault is that?” he snaps, breathing heavily. “They took away my childhood by sending me off to train with that _man_.” He still refuses to say his uncle’s name.

 

“Your mother said you were eager to go train with him, that you dreamt of being a Jedi…” I start, knowing that saying that is probably a mistake.

 

“My mother is a liar,” he says sternly, moving closer to me. “You shouldn’t trust _anything_ she says.”

 

I back up, feeling more afraid. He’s in one of his moods. “Ben…”

 

“My father is _dead_ ,” he says, swinging his lightsaber in my direction. “My uncle is _dead_.” He swings his lightsaber towards me again, hitting it on something that I can’t see. “And soon my mother will be _too_.” He hovers his lightsaber up high above me.

 

I step back and knock into something. I look behind and I’m pushed up again a cliff face. I’m trapped. There is nowhere to go. He keeps walking towards me and his lightsaber begins to pulsate in it’s glowing red colour.

 

He swings the lightsaber down towards me. I squeeze my eyes shut and put my arms up to protect me, knowing they’re no match against lightsaber, but also knowing that it can’t actually hurt me. There is a loud zap and then nothing but the wind blowing.

 

I open my eyes and he’s gone. I stand up and shake the jitters from my body. I know he didn’t mean to actually harm me. He probably just wanted to scare me, which he succeeded in. My head hurts and my body is shaking.

 

All that talk about his parents reminds me of when he told me the truth about mine. A part of me always knew the truth, but I had hoped that I was wrong. They were nobodies. They were junk traders who sold me off when I was a child. They abandoned me.

 

Who was I, a nobody, to think that I could bring Ben Solo back? I was stupid to even think that I stood a chance. Why did I ever think I could? I’m a nobody. If I disappeared right now no one would notice or care.

 

But that wasn’t true. There is one person who would care. He said something to me that day in the throne room, something that I will never forget.

 

_You came from nothing. You’re nobody. But not to me._


	3. Ben II

She disappears and there is a smash as my lightsaber hits the ground. Sparks fly around me and there’s a dent in the floor.

 

She’s gone. I didn’t intend to harm her. I knew that I couldn’t. She just got on my nerves, bringing up my parents and my _stupid_ uncle. I slow my breathing down and fold up my lightsaber.

 

The door opens and in comes General Hux looking like the idiot he is. “Supreme Leader, is everything okay?” he asks, looking around at the damage I’ve made.

 

I’m tempted to yell at him, which is something I’m very good at, but I decide not to. I need to get my mind off her and what she said to me. All the lies she told.

 

“Gather everyone back here to finish the meeting,” I demand as I walk back up and sit on the throne. _My_ throne.

 

 

*****

 

 

We still have not achieved anything. I tried to figure out where she was, but all I saw was sand. She could be on Jakku, her home planet, but that would be stupid place to hide because I would find them there. There are thousands of planets in the galaxy and they could be on any one of them.

 

She said that my uncle did consider killing me in my sleep, but ultimately he decided not to. But I woke up and saw him in that moment. Could it be true that if I'd just woken up a minute later, things may have turned out differently? If I had just seen him standing over me, waking me up for training in the middle of the night like he did often, I would have gotten up and trained like the good little apprentice I was. Would I still be Ben? Would I have given into Snoke who I was trying so hard to resist?

 

I shake my head. No, she has to be lying. My whole persona, Kylo Ren, is based on the hatred for my family. For what they did to me. If my mother and father had never agreed to send me to train with him, he wouldn’t have tried to kill me. It’s _their_ fault. It’s all _their_ fault.

 

If only she’d joined me. If she’d agreed to rule the galaxy with me. If only she had. If only…

 

“But what if they find us here?” a voice says.

 

I whip my head around and there she is. But it’s not her talking. She is with someone else.

 

“What if they track us down to…” the voice continues. I know that voice. The unmistakable voice of my mother.

 

She notices me and silences my mother. “They won’t,” she says confidently looking away from me. “We’re safe here.” She glances back up at me. “Can you gather the others for a meeting?”

 

I hear a sniffle. My mother leans forward and hugs her. “Of course.”

 

I vaguely see my mothers hazy silhouette as she walks out of the room, her loud footsteps echoing.

 

She waits until the door slams shut and then stands up. “Finished your little temper tantrum?”

 

That hurts. I know I have anger issues, sometimes, but hearing her call it that fills me with rage that I try to suppress. “You know that my former family makes me angry. You brought them up on purpose,” I say accusingly.

 

She darts her eyes up to mine. “Maybe.” She turns and starts to walk away.

 

“I need to talk to you,” I say loudly.

 

She stops and twirls back around. “I thought you couldn’t control when we see each other.”

 

I raise my eyebrows at her. “We both know that’s not true.”

 

I know we’ve both somewhat got a grasp on how this whole bond works, and we can visit each other if we concentrate hard enough. I visit her when she’s sleeping a lot which means I dream about her. I always forget my dreams when I wake up. I wish I didn’t.

 

“I have a meeting in a couple of minutes so I’d appreciate it if you’d leave,” she says turning back around and walking away from me.

 

“Maybe I want to listen in,” I say, following after her. I try to focus on her and bring more of her surroundings into focus.

 

“You’re not going to find out where we are,” she yells back to me.

 

I walk faster and catch up to her. I grab her harm and hold it firmly. I can feel her arm but I know that it’s not really in my hand.

 

She turns back and tries to wriggle out of my grip. “Let go of me!”

 

“I _said_ I need to talk to you,” I say more firmly than before.

 

She keeps resisting, trying to get out of my grip. But then she stops fighting and looks at me. “Do you watch me sleep a lot?” she says bitterly.

 

I feel my cheeks start to turn red and for a minute my concentration lingers. She uses that split second to try to escape from me but I’m too quick for her. I grab her arm with my other hand too and tighten my grip.

 

She tries with all her might to unwrap my fingers from her arm. “Ben… you’re hurting me.”

 

I squeeze her tighter, focusing on my fingers on her arm until it all starts to blur.

 

“Ben…” she begs, her voice breaking a little.

 

I push that guilt away and keep tightening my grip on her, not caring what I’m doing or what is going to happen. I hear her scream. Scream my name that is not really my name. I hear her cry. I feel her tears, yet I still keep tightening my grip. I close my eyes and block out the sound and noise and everything.

 

Suddenly I fall down and my hands go out into nothingness. She’s gone. I blink my eyes, bringing everything back into focus.

 

I stand up and put my hands on my legs and breath deeply. I don’t know what just happened. If she’d actually truly been here, would I have done that to her? Would I have cut the circulation from her arm? Would I have actually harmed her?

 

Yes, I would have harmed her. But I _knew_ that it wouldn’t hurt her. I _knew_ that it wouldn’t and that’s why I did it, right? She makes me so mad sometimes, when she calls me that. That is _not_ my name. It was, but that was a long time ago and I am not that person anymore. Why can’t she call me by my true name? Why can’t she see me for who I am now?


	4. Rey II

I rub my arm. It still hurts from when he grabbed me. When he gripped my arm so tight that I thought I was going to pass out. I hold my arm up high. In the faint light of the moonlight it looks completely fine. No red marks, no proof that he touched me. Nothing. Yet I can still feel his arms wrapped around me almost cutting the circulation. He gets mad sometimes, a lot of the time actually. But he doesn’t usually lash out that much specifically at me.

 

I stare up a the ceiling. I don’t want to sleep. I’m too afraid because I don’t want him to watch me. If he visits me, I want to be awake. He does not have permission to visit me unannounced in the middle of the night.

 

My eyes start to close and I have to force them to stay open. My arm aches but I don't know if it actually is or if it's just in my head. Can we actually hurt each other through our bond?

 

“You're awake,” he says.

 

I dart my eyes to where his voice came from. I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't even notice him appear. I roll over onto my side and face him. “I am,” I say.

 

“You’re usually asleep at this time,” he notes.

 

“Exactly how many times have you watched me sleep?” I say.

 

He gives a small shrug. “I’ve lost count.”

 

“That many?" I say disbelieved. “Unbelievable! And I only found out last night.”

 

I notice him staring at me and it makes me a little uncomfortable. “I’m usually quiet and just watch you…” he starts and then pauses. “But…”

 

“But what?” I push him.

 

He looks away from me and shakes his head. “Never mind.”

 

“Well,” I say. “I just didn’t want to be asleep when you visited, so could you please leave now?” I roll over onto my other side facing away from him.

 

“I’m sorry,” he says quietly.

 

I freeze. An apology? He never apologises. I must have heard him wrong. “What did you say?”

 

“I’m sorry,” he says louder. “For… for what I did today.”

 

I roll back over to face him. I want to actually see the words come out of his mouth.

 

“For almost hitting you with my lightsaber and then grabbing your arm,” he says, and he sounds genuine. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

 

The corners of his mouth are turned down and his eyes and half closed. I want to believe him. I _do_ believe him. I hold my arm out to him. “It’s okay. You didn’t hurt me.”

 

He brushes his hand down my arm and a shiver goes through my body. I feel a twinge of pain at first, but then nothing. Only his hands. “There’s no mark.”

 

“I don’t think we can actually harm each other when we see each other like this,” I say, trying to keep focused and stop getting lost in the soothing feel of his fingers on my arm.

 

He stops and looks up at me. I pull my arm away from him and hold it close my body. He doesn’t say anything. I stare at him, at the right side of face where I cut him when we fought. I gave him that scar.

 

“I’m sorry,” I say quietly as I reach my other arm out to his face. I hesitate and then let my fingers lightly touch his cheek. He flinches when I touch him. “For giving you this scar.”

 

I lightly run my fingers down the side of face, watching his eyes, making sure this is okay. He doesn’t resist. He doesn’t say anything. Maybe he doesn’t know what to say. I pull my arm back and watch him.

 

“It’s okay,” he says finally, giving a slight smirk. “I like my scar. And besides, we’ll have to have a rematch one day.”

 

I give him a small smile. “Maybe we will.”

 

We’ve only battled each other once and I defeated him. Does that mean I’m stronger than him? In some ways I am. I certainly have better control of my anger. But I’m sure that beating him was a fluke. If we fought again, it would probably be equal, or maybe he’d slight overpower me. I’m leaning more towards equal, like when we split the lightsaber in half.

 

His eyes suddenly soften. “You look tired. You need to get some sleep.”

 

“Yeah,” I say, yawning. “I do.”

 

We lie there, both looking at each other. I can’t sleep when I know he’s watching me. And I don’t want to close my eyes or turn the other way because I know he’ll just keep staring at me. We need to break the connection. But sometimes it’s harder to do than it sounds.

 

“If you could stop thinking about me,” I say, breaking the awkward silence.

 

“If _you_ could stop thinking about _me_ ,” he retorts.

 

I sigh loudly. He is annoying sometimes. “I am _not_ thinking about you.”

 

“Then why are you staring at me?” He doesn’t move and he doesn’t pull his eyes away from mine.

 

“I’m not…” I say, looking away. But he’s right. I was staring at him and therefore I was thinking about him.

 

“You could think of something else?” he suggests. “Get your mind off of me, because _obviously_ me being here has taken over your mind. I can show you my chest if you want? That always turns you off.” He starts to push himself upright. “Then you’ll want to get as far away from me as possible.”

 

I give a silent laugh because of how absurd what he just said is. “Well, _you_ could think about something else,” I suggest. “Oh, and while you’re at it please stop dreaming about me.”

 

He lies back down. “What do you suggest I think of to get my mind off of you?”

 

“I don’t know,” I say annoyed. “Your lightsaber or something…”

 

“My lightsaber?” he says suggestively.

 

I know what he’s implying and I shake my head, but I can’t help but give a slight smile. “Your _actual_ lightsaber. You know, the one that’s red that you almost hit me with?”

 

He nods. “My lightsaber… sure I’ll think about that.” He moves into a more comfortable position. “It's red, with vents on both sides…” He goes onto to describe every physical trait of his lightsaber.

 

“Could you be quiet while thinking about it?” I say agitatedly, yet there is a hint of a smile on my lips. There is something about the way he talks, the way that he was describing his lightsaber. I don’t exactly know what but I kind of didn’t want him to stop.

 

“Sorry,” he says, still watching me. “I’ll let you sleep.”

 

“Thank you,” I say as I turn away from him. I close my eyes and try to get my mind off him. To think about anything other than him.

 

“Goodnight Rey,” I think I hear him whisper.

 

Eventually I drift off to sleep, knowing full well that he is watching me but I don’t even care.


	5. Ben III

I run my hand down the scar on the right side of my face and follow it down my chest. I remember how it felt when I got it. There was blood oozing out and the pain was excruciating.

 

She gave me that scar. Every time I touch it I think of her. This scar says more about me than anything else. It shows what she did to me. Her, a girl, beat me in a fight. She was untrained with the Force and yet she beat me.

 

Of course I wasn't actually trying to hurt or kill her. I just wanted to recapture my prisoner. But her strength was far greater than I ever imagined. She saw inside my head. I should have known at that moment. I underestimated her and she took advantage of my weaknesses. I should have known when she escaped from me. If I’d used my whole strength I probably would have beaten her.

 

There is a knock on the bathroom door. “Supreme Leader,” I hear General Hux say. “We need to get to the meeting.”

 

“In a minute,” I say loudly. He always likes to disrupt me when I’m in the bathroom. One of the many things I hate about him.

 

“We’re actually running a bit late,” he says, and then the door handle starts to turn. _Damn_ these doors for not having locks! That's something we need to get right on. It needs to be a top priority.

 

The door swings open and his head pops in. His mouth is open as though he's about to say something. My anger flares up and I use the Force to slam the door shut. He moves back but his hand gets caught. He screams out in pain. I pull my outstretched arm back in, letting the door swing back open slightly, just enough room for him to get his hand out.

 

“I _said_ in a minute!” I yell and then slam the door shut, not even bothering to check that he’s out of the way.

 

I look at myself in the mirror and take deep breaths. I run my hand down my scar again, thinking of her. Eventually I put a shirt on and get on with my day.

 

 

*****

 

 

General Hux attends our meeting with a bandage around his right hand. Even though he’s an idiot, he’s usually the one who speaks the most at our meetings. He does have the most knowledge of what is going on and where we stand. But I obviously frightened him into silence.

 

“General Hux, do you have anything to add?” I ask, giving him a menacing look.

 

He glances my way but he can’t keep eye contact with me. “N… n… no Supreme Leader,” he stutters.

 

Hs body is shaking but I really don’t care how he feels. I _am_ the Supreme Leader and no one invades my privacy. Except maybe… no. _No_ one does. Not even her if I have anything to do with it.

 

We end the meeting still nowhere. Maybe if I get closer to her I can find out where they are. Although that is not the only reason I want to get close to her. I look down at the ground as I walk back to my room. I use the Force to open the door and walk in.

 

“Oh,” a voice says.

 

I look up and there she is. She’s got a towel wrapped around her and her hair is slicked back. It seems that she’s just gotten out of the shower. For all the times she’s caught me at times like this, this is the first time I ever have.

 

“S… s… sorry,” I stutter. What am I doing? I’m talking like that _idiot_ Hux.

 

“I…” she says, crossing her arms and holding the towel around her firmly.

 

“I’m sorry, I can leave,” I say, savouring the way she looks right now before I close my eyes. I try to think of something else, anything else. It isn’t fair for me to see her like this.

 

“No, it’s okay,” she says.

 

I open my eyes and she’s looking at me. “I didn’t mean… I wasn’t…” I say.

 

“I know,” she says and gives a small smile. “I guess we’re even now.”

 

I look her up and down, her strong arms crossed, her long bare legs and her feet fidgeting on the ground.

 

She clears her throat. I’ve been staring at her for too long. I try to say something but no words come out.

 

“It’s okay, I umm,” she starts, looking like she’s afraid to say something. “Sometimes… I find it hard to sleep… if you want to visit me we could talk… maybe?”

 

She’s offering me to visit her at night. She’s _actually_ offering. I’ve noticed sometimes when I visit her at night she thrashes around. I usually leave when she’s like that. It’s not fair of me to be there at those moments. “Sure.”

 

“Great,” she says quickly. “Well, I better go get dressed…”

 

“Supreme Leader?” a voice says.

 

I swing around and realise I have left the door open. There is someone standing in the doorway. A Stormtrooper with his helmet off. Someone I don’t recognise. I don’t usually associate myself with those scum. How long has he been standing there for? Did he see me talking to her? Well, talking to no one. I push my arm out and use the Force to slam the door shut, knocking him off his feet. I hear him slam into the wall. Hopefully he’s unconscious and has memory loss.

 

He saw me in a private situation. I _need_ my privacy. Those Stormtroopers and Hux should not be able to invade my privacy like this.

 

“These _stupid_ doors need locks,” I mumble as I throw the coffee table into the wall, making sparks fly out of the machinery.


	6. Rey III

It’s one of those nights when I can’t sleep. He caught me today, at a time when I hoped he would never catch me. I’ve caught him with his shirt off a few times but he’s never caught me in a situation like that before. At first I was annoyed, but actually it wasn’t so bad.

 

It is true that I can’t sleep sometimes, when there is a lot weighing on my mind. And lately there has been a lot. Has he seen me like that? When I’m thrashing around, trying to clear my mind of everything, trying to let it all go and just sleep. Considering that he said he’s lost count of how many times he’s visited me, I can assume that he probably has. I wonder what he thinks of me, seeing me like that.

 

I lie awake, staring at the faint moonlight coming in through the window in a line on the ceiling. I said he could visit me. I actually invited him to. What was I thinking? He caught me in a vulnerable situation and I guess I just… I don’t even know. But somehow I hope that he does visit me tonight. There’s no point in just lying awake trying to sleep when I know I won’t be able to.

 

I hear a noise and sit up. It’s a constant sound, of something pattering on the roof. It sounds like rain. But it never rains here, not on the planet we’re on. I get up and tip toe over to the window. I peer out. The moon is shining dimly but there is no trace of rain.

 

I turn around and I see him standing over by the door, facing away from me, wind blowing his hair. I quietly walk over to him.

 

“Listening to rain always helps me sleep,” he says as I walk up next to him.

 

I inch closer to him. I can hear the rain but I still can’t see it. He’s not getting wet so he must not actually be standing out in the rain. When I’m next to him I can feel a breeze and my body shivers.

 

“I don’t remember the last time I saw rain,” I say.

 

“You’re on a desert planet,” he observes.

 

I don’t answer him. There’s hundreds in the galaxy, he’ll never find the one we’re on. I turn my head away and look towards where I can hear the rain falling. “I miss rain. I miss the way it feels and smells.”

 

He holds his hand out to me, inviting me to take it. I want so badly to actually see the rain, so I take his hand and the sound of the rain gets louder. It’s as though it’s right above us. I can see a bit more of his surroundings, he's under some sort of shelter.

 

I let him lead me and I feel water droplets fall over me. I give out a laugh and can't wipe the smile off my face. I put my face up and let the rain wash over me. Wash everything away. All my thoughts and worries. I let it all go. I look back to him with a huge smile on my face and notice that he’s smiling too.

 

“One of the great wonders of galaxy,” he yells over the sound of the rain. “We have the power to manipulate the energy forces that bind the galaxy together and yet water falling from the sky amazes us.”

 

It’s like he’s reading my thoughts. He knows what I’m feeling and what I’m thinking. How can he understand me so deeply?

 

I notice that we’re still holding hands. I don’t want to let go because I know the further from him I am, the less I’ll be able to feel and see about where he is. My clothes are soaked. I’m dripping wet but I don’t care. After living in the humid desert it is so refreshing to feel this rain.

 

I hold my other hand out to him, hoping he’ll take it. I want to see more of the rain. I want to _feel_ more of it.

 

He looks at my outstretched hand and glances up at me. A moment later he takes my hand. The rain gets louder and the rain feels heavier. I laugh some more. I hold my head out and drink some of the water. It’s so fresh and cool. It’s as though I’m tasting water for the first time.

 

He pulls me closer to him. I don't resist, I let him. Our hands are in between us and I can feel his breaths. He lets go of my right hand and puts his hand on my head, pushing some of my soaking wet hair behind my ear. He cups my cheek and I’m struggling to keep my breaths even. My heart starts beating fast.

 

Our breathing is synchronised and our heartbeats beat one after the other. I look him right in the eyes, his big dark brown eyes, and can’t look away.

 

We don’t say anything. We don’t _need_ to say anything. I know we’re both feeling the same thing. He leans his head down towards mine and I close my eyes and brace myself for what I know he’s about to do. And I want him to. Oh, I want him to.

 

“Rey?”

 

All of sudden everything goes silent. I open my eyes. He’s gone and the rain has stopped. I turn around and Finn is standing in my doorway.

 

“Rey, I heard you talking and I just came to check that everything was alright,” he says. He looks down. “Where has all this water come from? Why are you soaking wet?”

 

Water is dripping all around me and I’m standing in a puddle. I hug myself with my arms, suddenly feeling very cold.

 

“I…” I start. But how do I explain what happened? Where I was and who I was with? How do I even begin to explain it?

 

Finn leaves and comes back a minute later and wraps me in a towel. He holds his arms around me, trying to stop me from shivering.

 

“It’s okay Rey,” he says calmly.

 

But it’s not. I love Finn but I don’t want him to be hugging me. There’s only one person I want to wrap his arms around me. The only person who understands this whole thing. Who understands me.


	7. Ben IV

Did we almost…? I think we did. Until we were rudely interrupted by that _scum_ traitor.

 

I'm still standing out in the rain, trying to process everything. I knew she'd like seeing the rain. I’d figured she was probably somewhere where it barely rains, considering she's always wearing baggy clothes and has a thin layer of sweat on her face. It's always so calming to listen to the rain. I find that I’m always less angry when it's raining. It’s so calming.

 

The rain starts to get heavier and I figure I should probably get undercover. I shake some of the water out of myself and go inside. My shirt is soaked so I take it off and ring out the water in the sink. I can still hear the rain on the roof and I long to go back outside. I grab a towel and dry my hair as I walk back out onto the balcony.

 

The moon is bright and the rain is shimmering in the blue moonlight. The timezones we’re in are different. I go to bed late so I can watch her. I’ve altered my schedule so I can connect with her. There are so many planets, some big and some small, and I have no idea which one she could possibly be on.

 

We were only supposed to stop on this planet for a short period of time, but I loved that it rained here often so I insisted we stay. No point in hovering in space considering we’re not getting anywhere.

 

I dry my hair as I look out at the rain. I replay what happened earlier in my head over and over. I dry my face and when I pull the towel down she’s there.

 

She’s sitting down with a towel wrapped around her shoulders. Her hair is still dripping wet. She looks up at me with her big eyes. I notice her glance down at my bare chest.

 

I hold the towel down in front of my chest. “Sorry,” I say. “My shirt was soaking wet…”

 

“It’s okay,” she says interrupting me, shaking her head and looking back up. “I must have been talking loud over the rain.” She’s silent for a moment. She can probably hear the rain again.

 

I move closer to her which will make it louder for her. She looks up at me and I place my hand on her cheek. She puts her hand over mine and closes her eyes.

 

“You should probably leave,” she whispers. “Finn will be back at any minute.”

 

I don't want to leave. I don’t want to take my hand away from her. She still has hers on mine. I know that because we’re touching she can hear everything I can. She sitting down and I'm standing over her, both of us reluctant to let go of the other.

 

“Thank you,” she says, lowering her hand. “For showing me the rain.”

 

“Anytime,” I say, pulling my hand away, making everything less clear. Less noisy. Less intimate. Making her go further away.

 

I close my eyes and focus on the rain, on the raindrops falling to the ground. I focus on the sound and when I open my eyes she’s gone.

 

Whenever it rains I will contact her. I’ve never seen her smile that much before. I want to make her feel like that. I have the power to.

 

I never thought I could feel this close to someone. Even though we’re galaxies apart I feel closer to her than I ever have to anyone else. Our bond is stronger than anything I’ve experienced in all the years I’ve lived.

 

Usually people are afraid of me, but not her. She once was, the first time we met, when I tried to get inside her head. But that was before we really knew each other. Since then she's never been afraid of me. She even came to find me. She endured torture from Snoke for me. Because she saw something in me.

 

I’ve even made her smile, multiple times, but none more than tonight. She loved seeing the rain. It felt good to have that affect on someone. To show them something that brings them so much joy.

 

I can’t help but smile as my mind runs through the events of that night. I try to remember every single detail because I don’t ever want to forget.


	8. Rey IV

“Finn said you were soaking wet last night,” Poe says.

 

I’m sitting at a table with Finn and Poe eating breakfast. I have more of an appetite today but I’m still a bit distracted. I can still feel his hands on mine. I can still feel him. My heart was beating so fast last night I thought it would beat out of my chest. I’ve never been that close to him before.

 

It was raining, which means he's not in space, he's on a planet somewhere. Where though? Lots of planets in the galaxy have climates where it rains. But being on a planet means that if they do find out where we are, it will take them longer to reach us. That gives us a bit of an advantage I guess.

 

I’m distracted with my thoughts that I only half hear what they’re talking about. “Uh huh,” I mumble, stuffing my mouth with food to avoid having to say anything more.

 

Finn glances over at me. “You looked like a soaked rat.”

 

Poe laughs and spits out some of his food. “Nice visual Finn.”

 

Finn looks at him proudly. I’ve noticed something going on between them. They’ve been spending a lot of time together.

 

“You didn’t have a really explicit dream and sweat profusely did you?” Poe asks. I can’t tell if he’s joking or being serious, but knowing Poe he’s probably being sarcastic.

 

I swallow my mouthful of food. “I don’t think I have that much sweat in my body,” I say. “No… I don’t exactly know how to explain it.”

 

“Is it some Force thing?” Finn asks, looking genuinely interested.

 

I nod. That’s the truth. It was to do with the Force. Only, there’s more to it than that. I glance to my right and suddenly he’s standing there. It's not a good time for us to connect. But I don’t know how to get rid of him.

 

“Can you try to explain it to us?” Poe asks.

 

I glance over at him again. He’s going to be listening to everything I say, and there’s lots of other chatter going on in the dining tent which all adds to the pressure.

 

“It was like…” I start slowly, trying to think of a way to explain it without actually explaining it. “I had this vision… of rain… and it somehow affected me.” I dart my eyes towards him and he’s grinning at me.

 

“You were standing out in the pouring rain in your vision and it affected you in real life?” Finn asks.

 

“Uh huh,” I say, glancing back at him, trying not to make it too obvious that I’m not really paying attention to them. “It does’t make much sense I know.”

 

Poe points his spoon at me. “Leia might understand.”

 

“Can we not tell her please?” I say, quickly darting my eyes back to him again, noticing his expression at the mention of his mother. “I don’t want to add any more stress to her life at the moment.”

 

Poe and Finn nod at me and go back to eating. They don’t press me anymore about last night. I can feel his stare on me, watching me shovel spoonfuls of food into my mouth and I can’t handle it.

 

I suddenly put my spoon in my half eaten bowl of food and stand up. “Would you excuse me for a minute?”

 

I weave my way through the tables and people, looking behind to see that he’s following me. I go into the first vacant bathroom I can find and close the door behind me. I turn around and he’s there. I jump, a little frightened.

 

“Can you…” I start. “Not be here now?”

 

He raises his eyebrows at me. “ _You_ were the one thinking about me.”

 

“No I…” I object.

 

“I was just minding my own business when suddenly I heard your voice,” he says interrupting me.

 

“I…” I start, but I know he must be right. “They were asking me about last night and of course you were a part of last night…” I take a deep breath. “You’re right, I’m sorry. I’ll leave.”

 

“You haven’t told anyone about us?” he asks.

 

I sigh, squeezing my eyes shut. “I don’t even know how to begin to tell them. They wouldn’t understand…” I trail off.

 

“My mother would,” he says, warily walking towards me.

 

I ignore his gaze. “I’m not going to tell her.”

 

“Good,” he says when he’s an inch away from me. He leans his hands on the wall behind me.

 

I want him to touch me. I want to touch him. But I know I shouldn't. Not when I need to go back out there and finish my breakfast with Finn and Poe. I won’t be able to act normal. I’ll be too distracted with the feel of his hands on me.

 

“I really do need to go,” I say, trying to duck under his arms but he blocks my way.

 

He leans his head to the side as he looks at me. “I know now isn’t a good time but can I see you later?” he asks in his deep voice.

 

I struggle to make my voice work so I just nod.

 

“Okay,” he says as takes his hands down. “Goodbye Rey.”

 

He closes his eyes and I do do the same. I try to think of anything other than him but my thoughts still linger on his hands. On his lips. On _him_.

 

“Goodbye Ben,” I say as I open my eyes, but he’s already gone.


	9. Ben V

It wasn’t entirely true that she was the one thinking about me, I was thinking about her too. In fact, since last night I’ve thought of little else. But I wanted to see her acknowledge that I had been on her mind. We were both thinking about each other, meaning our connection was stronger.

 

I look out the window of my room at the vast green landscapes and snow covered mountain tops in the distance. I know we should leave here but I don’t want to. I showed her the rain. Every other time we’ve connected I’ve been indoors and she wouldn’t know whether we were in space or not. But she knows we’re on a planet now. She knows were not in space ready to fly off at lightspeed at any second. I’ve probably weakened our cause. She’ll be more wary around me now, not wanting to give away her location.

 

The stormtrooper that I lashed out at a few days ago now has two casts on his arms. He’s unfit to serve so I fired him. He had a terrible concussion and even started throwing up during a training session. That is not acceptable so he’s out. It’s _his_ fault. They should all know not to talk to me unless I talk to them. They should know that. Yes I lashed out but he is the one who aggravated me.

 

I walk through the corridors and everyone I walk past stays silent and averts their eyes from me. Good. It seems that they’ve learned to leave me alone. It’s simple, yet I don’t know why some people, namely Hux, cannot get that through their minuscule little brains.

 

I walk outside. The sun is almost setting. It’s been hours since I talked to her this morning. Hopefully now will be a good time to see her. To possibly finish what we started last night.

 

There are some people lingering around outside. They go completely silent when I walk past and try to avoid making eye contact with me. A little boy runs past in front of me, chasing a ball along the ground. I almost trip over him.

 

I growl. “Watch out you _little_ moron!” I yell.

 

I’m tempted to throw him. But once he’s picked up the ball, he hugs it in his arms and looks up at me with his big blue eyes. It looks like he’s about to cry. I hover my arms out towards him, wanting to let my anger get the best of me and punish him for getting in my way. But he’s a child. He’s a little boy, just like I once was.

 

He’s an innocent child who didn’t mean to get in my way. What would I be if I harmed an innocent child? What would my legacy be? I don’t think I could live with that guilt. I have no problem hurting Hux because he’s a grown adult who knows the rules. This child… this child doesn’t. I don't want to be known as someone who harms children.

 

A few weeks ago I would have thrown him no questions asked. But things have changed. I’ve changed. _What is happening to me? What has she done to me?_

 

I put my arm down and walk away just as I hear the little boy start wailing. I ignore him. Let them think whatever they want. Him crying is better than him being dead.

 

I bring up a mental image of her last night as I walk. Her hair soaking wet clinging to her, wrapped in a towel as I have my hand on her cheek. It felt real. So real, even though I know technically it wasn’t.

 

I keep walking and walking until there is no one else around. Just as I walk up to the top of the small hill, she appears.

 

“Hi,” I say, slightly breathless.

 

“Hi,” she says.

 

“Is now a good time?” I ask, taking a few steps towards her. “The sun is about to set, if you’d like to see."

 

She nervously fiddles with her hands and nods.

 

I take her hand and she doesn’t resist. I walk her over to the edge of the cliff and sit down on the ground. She sits down next to me. She doesn’t let go of my hand. The sky is full of orange and pink hues.

 

She squints out into the distance. “I can… see it.” She looks back to me. “But it’s a little blurry on the edges.”

 

I squeeze her hand tighter, hoping that will help her see more. “I know it’s nothing compared to actually being here and seeing it.”

 

She turns to me and frowns. “The sun is setting where you are, which means…” She looks away, mumbling something to herself.

 

I know what she’s thinking, the time difference between where we are. Trying to narrow down where we could possibly be. Her face is full of such determination and I love the way her nose crinkles.

 

She shakes her head and looks back to me, the determined look fading from her face. She looks out at the sunset smiling. “It’s beautiful.”

 

We sit there in silence for a few minutes. I watch the sunset, but mostly I watch her. After a short while her expression changes into a slight frown.

 

“Is everything okay?” I ask.

 

She turns her head to me and pulls her hadn’t out of my grip. “Uh huh,” she says unconvincingly.

 

I narrow my eyes at her. “Rey,” I says softly. “You can talk to me.”

 

“It’s just…” she squeezes her eyes shut and then opens them. “I feel useless. Everyone has something that they're good at. Poe is a pilot, Finn was a stormtrooper and Leia…” She pauses and looks at me. I feel a sort of anger bubble up but I want her to continue. “She’s a general. People look up to her. They listen to her. And then there’s me…“ She looks up at me with the beginnings of tears in her eyes. “I’m _nothing_. I bring _nothing_ to our cause.”

 

I see some tears start to fall down her face and I place my hand on her thigh to comfort her. “You’re not nothing."

 

She looks at me with her red eyes. “My parents thought I was. That’s why they threw me away.”

 

_Again_ with her parents. I am _sick_ of her bringing them up. “It doesn’t matter who your parents are,” I say with a hint of anger in my voice. “I’ve _told_ you to let the past go. Let it _die_. They don’t matter.”

 

“You don’t understand,” she says, shaking her head. “They’re a huge part of me, of my identity…”

 

"They don’t have to be,” I push in. “You know, I envy you. I wish my parents were nobodies rather than what I got.” I watch her as she wipes a tear from her eye. “The _legendary_ heroes who restored peace to the galaxy,” I say sarcastically. “There were such big expectations for me to live up to them, to follow in their footsteps.”

 

She’s looks at me, the same way she looked at me when we touched hands for the first time. I have never talked this much about my parents to her before.

 

“Go train with your uncle, they said,” I continue. “But did they ever think to ask me what _I_ wanted to do?” I try to keep my anger contained but talking about them brings out all these intense feelings. “I wanted to chose my own life but because of _them_ my fate was already decided for me.” I take some deep breaths. “I _wish_ my parents were nobodies, then I could have been who _I_ wanted to be. Just like you can.”

 

Her face is red but tears have stopped falling. She doesn’t say anything. I know it’s a lot to throw at her. But it seems that I’ve comforted her a bit. She nods and looks up with a sigh.

 

“And you’re _not_ useless,” I say once my breathing has calmed down. “You’re good with a lightsaber and with the Force.” I point to my face. “You gave me this scar. Could somebody useless do that?”

 

She gives me a weak smile. At least I got her to smile.

 

“And you helped me fight off the guards in the throne room. You endured torture from Snoke…” I pause. "And from me,” I admit. The first time we met she was so strong willed and stubborn, my mind tricks didn’t work on her. “You’re strong Rey. Don’t _ever_ think you’re useless.”

 

She nods but I don’t think she’s convinced. She leans her head up towards the sky. “I just want this to all be _over_. The war, the fighting… all of it.”

 

“You could join me,” I say.

 

She glances back at me. “ _You_ could join _me_.”

 

I laugh because of our situation. This war is between us. Between my new First Order and the Resistance. If we just joined together, it would all be over. It’s that simple. But that’s not going to happen. As much as we’re connected were still on opposite sides and want different things for the galaxy. She’s committed to her cause, I’ll give her that. But so am I. Neither of us are going to give in to the other side.

 

She puts her hand over mine and moves a little closer to me. She looks out at the sunset. Now it's gotten a bit darker and the sunset colours are more vibrant.

 

We sit in silence for a few minutes, enjoying the sunset together. Then suddenly she speaks. “I feel so alone sometimes. I’m just completely different to everyone else.”

 

I give a small smile. Since we’re taking about ourselves, I decide to open up too. “People are afraid of me.”

 

She looks up at me, deep into my eyes. “They don’t have to be. You don’t _have_ to be the person that people run away from.”

 

I sigh. “No, I like it better that way. People leave me alone.”

 

She moves even closer to me. “I’m not afraid of you.”

 

I look at her, _really_ look at her. Of course she’s not afraid of me, I know that. She's beautiful, smart and resilient. And she’s comfortable around me. Imagine what we could do if we worked together?

 

“I know that you don’t agree with everything I’ve done,” I say. “But you can _always_ come and see me. You can always come and talk to me. You always have me. You’re not alone, Rey.”

 

I can see her cheeks start to blush and notice her body start to tremble a bit. She looks to me with tears beginning to glisten her eyes again. “Neither are you,” she whispers.

 

She looks so small and vulnerable in this moment. I place my hand on her cheek and she looks up at me with her beautiful hazel eyes. We stay there, looking at each other. I move closer and press my lips to hers.

 

I close my eyes and focus on the feel of her. It feels like something completely otherworldly. We’re connected in such a way that it seems to break the rules of the galaxy. It feels more real than anything I have ever experienced before. Our lips are connected and I can feel her as though we are one. Nothing in my life has ever felt this pure and right.

 

I open my eyes because I want to see her. She’s so beautiful. I glance behind her and I can see where she is. I can see her surroundings. I suddenly pull away from her which gives her a bit of a fright.

 

I look around and can see the sandy plains and rolling hills. I can see their camp set up and ships in the distance. It looks familiar. I _know_ this place. Her surroundings are crystal clear.

 

“I know where you are,” I say.


	10. Rey V

He disappears. One minute he was here and we were connected. Our lips were connected. It was real and it was perfect. But suddenly he pulled away. He knows where I am. He knows where our camp is. He’s going to find us.

 

I squeeze my eyes shut and concentrate as hard as I can on him. I need to connect with him again.

 

“Ben,” I say. “Ben _please_ come back.”

 

But it’s no use. I can’t reach him. He’s blocking me. Did he only get close to me to find out where we are? Has that been his plan all along? Was any of what we had real?

 

“No no no,” I say, pacing back and forth. I press my palms against my head hoping somehow that will help me reach him.

 

_I have to warn the others_ , I think. He knows where we are and it won’t be long before he arrives. We need to leave, or at least get Leia out of here. She’s the one he really wants to see.

 

I run back to the camp and rush through looking for a familiar face. Finn finds me first.

 

“Rey, what’s wrong?” he asks with a concerned look on his face.

 

I’m breathless and I know my face is red and probably my lips too… “I’ve done something… and I’m sorry….”

 

“What are you talking about?” he asks, shaking his head. He leads me out of the noisy dining tent and towards Leia’s chambers.

 

I stay silent as we walk, still trying to reach him. _Ben please answer me,_ I keep thinking. I gather up all my strength and try as hard as I can to contact him.

 

“Rey, are you alright?” Leia says when we enter her chambers.

 

Poe is in there too and I feel completely overwhelmed. How do I explain it? How do I tell them what I’ve done?

 

“I…” I stutter, my voice breaking. “I’m sorry, he’s coming. I’m _so_ sorry.”

 

“Who?” Poe says. “Rey, _who_ is coming?”

 

“I’m sorry,” I say as I start to cry. I can’t bring myself to say his name. “He knows where we are… I showed him… it’s my fault.”

 

“Kylo Ren?” Finn says, anger bubbling up inside him. I know the way he feels about him.

 

“How?” Leia asks. Her brows are furrowed and she looks at me as though she wants a straight answer. She wants to know about her son.

 

“We have this… Force bond,” I say slowly, trying to think of a way to explain it. “I don’t know exactly what it is but we can see each other. We can connect. We can… experience each others surroundings. He saw…”

 

“Wait,” Finn says, moving closer to me. “In the rain last night, were you with _him?_ ”

 

I may as well tell them the truth so I nod. “He took me out into the rain.”

 

“That means they’re not in space, they’ve landed somewhere…” Poe says thoughtfully. “That means we still have time.”

 

Finn completely ignores him. “What _exactly_ were you doing with him in the rain?” he asks, narrowing his eyes at me.

 

I have a feeling that he knows. He knows exactly what is going on. Is my face giving it away that much? “Finn, it’s not like that…”

 

“Not like _what_?” he snaps. “You mean, you _haven’t_ been communicating with our enemy though some _connection_ you share. You _haven’t_ been talking to him, telling him things…”

 

“You _don’t_ know him the way I do,” I say defensively. I glance over at Leia who seems to almost be on the verge of breaking down.

 

“ _I_ don’t know _him_?” he says frustratingly. “Rey, are you forgetting that he _killed_ Han Solo? We saw it with our own eyes. He’s dangerous… he’s our enemy. You’re _sleeping_ with the enemy.”

 

“I’m not..” I say, backing up a bit, shocked at what he's accusingly me of. But truthfully he's not far off. "He has regrets about the things he's done, I _know_ he does. Deep down I _know_ he’s a good person.”

 

Finn is getting increasingly angrier, I can tell. He looks like he’s about to explode. “He’s already killed his father and uncle, and he’s coming here to kill his mother. Do you deny _that_?”

 

“No,” I squeak. “I thought I could trust him, I thought… I could change him. I thought… I’m sorry.” I feel tears start to fall down my cheeks.

 

“I thought you were smarter than this Rey,” he says, sharply turning and stomping out of the tent.

 

Leia is silent and her face looks blank and emotionless.

 

“Rey, how does he know where we are?” Poe asks firmly. He seems to be the only level headed one at the moment.

 

I try to stop my body from shaking. “We… got really close and then we could see each others surroundings. He recognised this place.”

 

“I brought him here as a child," Leia says quietly. “I think… I think that’s why I wanted to come here…”

 

“What did you see about his surroundings? Anything to narrow down where he could be?” Poe says, trying to press me.

 

“I…” I say closing my eyes, trying to remember. In all honestly my eyes were closed and I only glimpsed it for a minute because I was too in the moment. “I saw green, lots of green.” I try to think of more, but all I can think of is him. I was only focused on him. “I think there was snow on the mountains in the distance.”

 

“And it rains there,” Poe says looking up in thought. “Hmm, any idea of what time is is there?”

 

“The sun was setting where he was,” I say. We watched the sunset together. Everything was so perfect. How could have it gone so wrong?

 

Poe puts his hand on his chin. “So they’re a few hours ahead. They could be closer than we think, and travelling at lightspeed means they could be here at any moment.”

 

I crouch down and put my face into my hands. What have I done? I believed him. I _actually_ believed him but the whole time he was deceiving me. He just wanted to get close to me so he could find me. I fell into his trap. I’m useless. He tried to make me believe that I wasn’t but that was probably all a part of his game too.

 

“We don’t have time to leave,” Poe says. “I’ll go rally the pilots and get everyone into position. Rey, Leia, find somewhere safe to hide, you’ll most likely be his biggest targets. You need to find somewhere safe.”

 

“I should see him when they arrive,” I object. “I’m the one who caused this.”

 

“You’ll be no use if you’re _dead_ ,” he says harshly.

 

That hurts. He wouldn’t kill me would he? I don’t want to believe that he would. That he possibly could after all we shared together. But really, I don’t think I actually knew him at all.

 

“Find somewhere safe,” he orders.

 

I look down at the ground as I hear the wind rush as Poe leaves the tent. My parents were nobodies. They were junk traders who _sold_ me. I’m just like them. I’m nothing. I’m a burden. I’m useless. I shouldn’t be trusted with anything.

 

Leia comes and wraps her arms around me and I let myself cry. “I’m sorry, I thought I could change him.”

 

“Shhh…” she says comfortingly. “It’s okay. I know that Ben is still in there somewhere. I _know_ he is.”

 

I shake my head into her shoulder. “I don’t know if he is anymore. I fell into his trap. This was his plan the whole time.”

 

“Oh Rey, he’s not gone,” she says. “I can still _feel_ him. Can’t you?”

 

I pull away and look at her. “You can feel him… Ben… through the Force?”

 

She puts her hand on her heart. “Every day I feel it get stronger. Even if takes a lifetime I _know_ he’ll come back.”

 

I have felt it too. He may try to convince everyone that he’s shed his former self but I’ve seen things in his mind. I can feel a sense of light in him. At least, I thought I could. “What if that feeling is wrong?”

 

She gives a small smile and shakes her head. “We can sometimes misread things but what we feel is _never_ wrong.” She strokes my face. “You have a connection to him. _Use_ it.”

 

“What do you mean?” I ask, confused.

 

“Use what you know about him… his weaknesses, his vulnerabilities. Use it to try to bring him back,” Leia says. “I _know_ there’s still hope.”


	11. Ben VI

I can feel her trying to contact me but I ignore her. I block her out of my mind. I’ve been wanting to find out where they are and now I know.

 

I rush back inside, pushing aside anyone who is in my path. I enter into Hux’s office without knocking, startling him.

 

“Supreme Leader,” he says as he stands up.

 

“I know where the Resistance are,” I say straight away.

 

“You know…” he stutters. “You found them, how?”

 

“It doesn’t matter,” I say. “I know where they are and I’m leaving _now_.”

 

“I’ll go let the pilots know and get them ready to leave,” he says, rushing around me and heading towards the door.

 

I stop him in his tracks using the Force. “ _No_ , this stays between you and I. I’m going alone.”

 

“But… but sir,” he objects. “It’s not safe…”

 

I choke him so that he can’t speak. “I’m going alone. I _have_ to do this alone.” I slowly walk closer to him with my arm outstretched. “If you tell anyone I’m leaving, I _swear_ I will _kill_ you. Do you understand?”

 

I let him go and he collapses to the ground, trying to catch his breath. I leave the room, not looking back at him. I’m sure he’ll stay quiet. He knows I’ll keep true on my promise if he doesn’t.

 

I head to the hanger bay, ignoring anyone I walk past. The ships are all there in pristine condition. No one has flown anywhere for weeks. They only do if _I_ order them to. I climb into my TIE silencer and get buckled up. I take a deep breath and take off.

 

It doesn’t take long to get there flying at lightspeed. I can see the planet in the distance. My mother and father brought me here when I was a child. I should have known that my mother would chose to go somewhere that reminded her of me.

 

I fly low until I can see their camp come into focus. I land close to their set up and jump out of my ship. I feel a pull in my chest. It’s _her_. It has to be her. She’s close. I can also feel a pull to my mother. They must be together. This feeling is too strong for it to be anything else.

 

Sand kicks up in the wind as I walk. I _really_ don’t like sand. I _hate_ desert planets. I pull my lightsaber out and ignite it. Some people see me and run away. I ignore them. They are none of my concern. There is only one person I came here to see. One piece of unfinished business. The last person who has a connection to my past self.

 

She appears out of the tent ahead of me and walks towards me. I feel something spark inside of me. It’s the first time I’ve actually seen her since the throne room. She’s actually here not just in my mind.

 

“Ben don’t do this,” she begs as I get closer to her.

 

She’s holding a lightsaber in her right hand. She must have fixed my grandfathers one, the one we split in two.

 

“Ben, you don’t have to do this,” she says. I can hear a hint of fear in voice. She _should_ be scared of me. I don’t know why she never has been considering everything I’ve done.

 

I ignore her. I ignore her words and her voice and brush past her shoulder harshly. When our bodies touch I feel something unexplainable go through my body. I hesitate for a moment but then pick up my pace.

 

“Ben,” she says behind me.

 

I push her out of my mind and keep walking towards towards the tent. Towards the place where I know my mother is. When I get to the opening, I hear a noise behind me. I turn around. She’s there, holding her blue lightsaber in my direction.

 

“Ben,” she says. “ _Please_ don’t do this. _Please…_ ”

 

I look at her. She’s well meaning, I know that. But she’s naive to think that I can be changed. No matter the bond we share, _nothing_ is going to change my mind. I _have_ to do this. I _have_ to.

 

I look at her lightsaber, her hands shaking slightly due to her nerves. “You wouldn’t. We can actually hurt each other now.”

 

She swings her lightsaber in my direction and I dodge her attack. Maybe I was wrong about her. Maybe she would actually hurt me. She's holding her lightsaber down and looking me in the eyes, trying to reach me. Trying to make me see reason. I use the moment to push her lightsaber out of her hands. That gives me a few seconds which is all I need.

 

I make my way through the opening of the tent, not looking behind me. I _have_ to do this. My mother is the only connection left of who I used to be. The last piece of my past that needs to die.


	12. Rey VI

Leia refused to hide somewhere safe. She knew that he would be able to sense her and find her no matter where she was. The same could be said for me.

 

We waited, preparing for the roaring sound of the First Order's fleet arriving. Instead, the sound was not deafening. I glanced outside and there was only one single ship. He came alone. Why would he come alone?

 

I told Leia to stay put while I go and talk to him. I’m the one who should greet him. As Leia said, we can both still feel light still inside of him. There is still hope. Maybe I could talk to him and change his mind.

 

I grabbed my lightsaber and walked towards him. He saw me, he brushed past me and I feel a jolt of electricity go through me. His touch opened up a fire within me. I hoped it did inside him too.

 

Now I’m standing outside the tent where he has just knocked my lightsaber to ground. I pick it up and push the flap of the tent aside and walk in.

 

He’s walking towards his mother, his unarmed mother, backing her up against the wall. I look down at my pulsating blue lightsaber. I can't let him do it. I _can’t_. I need to do something to stop him.


	13. Ben VII

_Let the past die_

 

That's what I _have_ to do. My mother is the last piece of my past. The last person who shares my DNA. When she’s gone, I’ll finally be free to be who I am meant to be. I’ll finally be able to put the past behind me.

 

I back my mother up against the wall. She crouches down, fear covering her face. I hold my lightsaber high above me and look down at her.

 

“Ben,” she says, struggling to keep her voice even. “Ben I’m your _mother_ , and I’m sorry.”

 

My eyes start to water. I didn’t expect her to apologise. I wanted this to be easy. For this to be over in a heartbeat. She’s the last piece of my old self left alive. She _needs_ to be gone. Only then will I be able to embrace my true self.

 

“Ben,” I hear quietly behind me. I ignore her voice and focus on my mother.

 

_Kill it if you have to_

 

I _have_ to. It’s the only option. I close my eyes and get ready to swing my lightsaber down. I block out all noise, all everything, and just focus on what I’m about to do. What I _have_ to do. My father and uncle are dead. All my other relatives are dead. My mother is the only one left. Except… I have a connection to someone else. Someone who doesn’t share my DNA. Someone…

 

_No_ , I tell myself sternly. This is what _has_ to be done.

 

I open my eyes, ready to give the fatal blow, and suddenly everything changes. Some sort of force washes over me. At first I don’t know what it is but then I realise where it came from. I try to resist but ultimately it’s too strong.

 

My lightsaber drops to the ground.


	14. Rey VII

They say that mind tricks only work on the weak minded. But I decided to try anyway. I had to do _something_. I wasn’t just going to let him kill her.

 

“You will drop your lightsaber and turn around and look at me,” I whisper, closing my eyes and concentrating on him, like I did when I used a mind trick on a stormtrooper.

 

I keep repeating it over and over, each time becoming more confident as I say it. I muster up as much strength as I can and try to transfer something to him. It’s shouldn’t be that different to what we’ve done many times before when we’ve connected.

 

But it’s no use. He’s not weak minded. He’s one of the most stubborn single minded people I know. What was I thinking? I open my eyes and prepare for what I’m about to see. But what I see was not at all what I expected.

 

I watch as his lightsaber drops to the ground and he turns around. My head starts to throb and I drop my lightsaber too. I lean my hands on my legs and double over. I did it. It _actually_ worked. I did something that changed his mind.

 

“Rey?” he says. His voice sounds defeated.

 

I push myself up until I’m standing straight and look at him. His face looks different. His eyes are sad and glistening with tears. He looks sad. He looks broken.

 

He walks towards me and then wraps his arms around me. I wrap my arms around him and feel something that we felt that night in the hut but a hundred times stronger.

 

“Ben,” I whisper into his hair. I can feel his tears. I can feel his heartbeat. I can feel _him_.

 

“Rey,” he whispers.

 

I feel tears start to fall from my eyes. “It’s okay Ben. It’s okay.”

 

He nuzzles his head into my shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

 

“I know,” I say, believing that he actually is. A few weeks ago I wouldn’t have thought so but now I do believe him.

 

“Ben, it will all be okay,” I whisper, trying to convince myself of that too.


	15. Ben VIII

I knew what she was doing. I could _feel_ her getting into my head. At first I tried to resist it, but then I realised that I didn't want to resist. I wanted to give into it. I was tired of fighting. I didn’t want to keep fighting all these feelings inside of me. And I would much rather be here in her arms than covered in the blood of my mother.

 

I can feel her tears mixing with my tears. I can feel her breath and touch her skin. We’re so close and this time it’s actually real. It feels more real than I thought possible.

 

I pull away and look at her. Her bloodshot eyes and tear stained cheeks. She’s so beautiful. She’s everything wrapped up in one. Everything I could ever want or need.

 

I press my lips to hers. It feels like the kiss we shared earlier but so much more. Feeling her, actually _feeling_ her this close to me. Hearing her heart beat in time with mine. Tasting the salt of her tears and feeling her presence is something I have never experienced before. It feels like hope. As though I could put everything behind me and start new. With her.

 

In a moment everything changed. And it was all because of her.

 

She’s saying my name over and over and telling me that everything will be okay. I believe her. And I don’t mind that she’s calling me that name. 

 

Because for the first time in a long time, I actually want to be Ben.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I had a great time writing this and I hope you liked it :)


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